Mourning the loss of my child

It took me almost three years to accept the fact that i lost my child. The child for whom, i was so protective. He vanished before my eyes and i couldn’t do anything except rubbing my eyes. I had never felt so helpless in my entire life.

I still remember the days, when me and my ex-wife used to talk about having a baby. We were so eager as a couple to conceive. Everytime we made love,  a new hope of having a baby engrossed our minds and heart. I still remember when she told me that she has missed a period for a week or so. We both kind of jumped over the bed and decided to go for a pregnancy test. I now understood the anxiety through which the couples go, when they try to conceive.

She went to her father’s house and purchased a pregnancy test kit. It was positive…… There my journey started with my child. Suddenly, millions of snaps started crossing my mind. His/her small and tender hands used to brush my cheeks and I used to blush. Both of us decided to name her ‘fruitie’, as i wished for a girl-child. While, my ex-wife wanted to have a son and we had a bet. I had a distant dream of being a father of a girl, whom i would name as “Mohanna”. Mohanna in hindi means one who belongs to Mohan or lord Krishna. We used to chatter a lot about Fruite. Right from the things that Fruitie had today or demanded to eat. Her activities involved kicking her mother(obviously our child would be mischievous), laughing a lot (obviously at the jokes i crack) and asking for a hug whenever she felt like having a one. I used to bring the best things for our Fruitie and she started growing slowly in our minds. Thoughts have their wings and they can drive you crazy at times… Like i used to imagine a lot and always wanted to feel her.

A child can create an unseen bridge between two people, otherwise who might be hostile towards each other. Fruite used to bind us together as if we had known each other through her only. Ours was relation that developed with her only. The child in my imagination brought me close to her, though we had our share of differences or huge differences. My ex-wife never fit into my frame of an ideal wife and neither i was the man of her dreams. It was a big compromise for both of us. Sometimes, I feel why we brought our child in this world at the first place. He should have remained in our dreams only. I would have been a loving father to her. But, destiny has planned something else for all of us.

We visited a gynaecologist immediately and were advised to avoid sex during the first three months. It was difficult to do so, but, we managed. She was also advised to take folic acid tablets and be cautious. The child had a low-lying placenta and could result in miscarriage. I became so afraid that we used to cry at times. I  mean both of us; consoling each other. Soon, we reached the six month of pregnancy and the bump on my ex-wife was visible now. Though, it was not looking awkward at her height (5 feet 8 inches). We wanted a larger bump; As  we wanted our baby to be quite healthy.

All of a sudden, me and my ex-wife were at ease with our temperamental differences. Our child had become our sole focus. God has bestowed the honour of being a creator to a lady only. I still remember the glow that my ex-wife used to have on her face, when she was carrying our baby. It’s the creator who becomes the part of the would be mother. Through, His divine motivation only a new life can enter this world. It’s very true and i was experiencing the same. My ex-wife who used to be quite aggressive and selfish, had become so genteel. It was quite a transformation for both  mother and child; It’s true that a mother makes a child but inverse is also true.  

Every ultrasound session during the last months made me tense. I tried to rush into the room along with my wife to have a glimpse of my child. I was greatly disappointed that ultrasound machines could only project black and white images. And, moreover Fruitie was not waving while her father was watching…Its always emotional to watch your child; though you can’t differentiate much in an ultrasound image.

Fruitie was about to be delivered soon; As we had approached the expected date of delivery. I applied for leave and decided to be at home. Every passing day used to increase our anxiety and make us nervous.

Finally, on an unexpected day; My wife complained about a pain in her lower back. The expected date of delivery was a week ahead and we didnt want our baby to come too early. We thought that its good for her to spend some more time in her own haven. At 4:00PM, my ex-wife told me that her pain has increased. I called up our gynaecologist and asked for her advice. She asked us to immediately visit the hospital. You know babies dont give you a 24-hour notice before arriving…lol. We got ourselves into the car and started for hospital. By this time, the water sack has cracked and fluid was leaking. Around 4:45PM, we entered the hospital and were immediately rushed to the labour room. Now, my ex-wife was not having much pain and didnt have a rhythmic pain either. She had diffused pains and was very calm now. They were monitoring the heart-rate of the child and sonograms were displaying decreasing heart rate. Gynaecologist suggested to perform c-section immediately to rescue the child. I took hold of my ex-wife’s hand and informed her about the same. I wanted to assure her that everything will be alright. I just wanted to hold her hands and tell her how much i love her. We exchanged a glimpse and tried to convey that message across.

At 6:00PM, My ex-wife was taken into the operation theatre and we were asked to wait outside the OT-Block. Those were the most anxious moments of my life. Around 6:20PM, the doors were opened and a nurse came out with a baby boy in a tray. All greased up in white dirt and looked so fragile; There was no need to put a tag of “Handle with utmost Care”. His lips were deep purple and face so bright. I shut my dazzled eyes against the brilliance of his face; I just can’t see him. I was living a dream sequence; And I didnt want to come out of that. I wanted to ask him(my child) about the whereabouts of my baby girl(Fruitie). My ex-wife had won the bet; I thought that Fruitie will come later. Our bundle of joy was so cute; It can’t be expressed. I still remember his first reflex of making a sucking noise. May be its biologically programmed in mammal babies to start looking for mother’s milk as a first reflexive action. His journey began in this world and we were proud parents.

I still remember his activities……..as every parent remember the childhood of their children. At 4 months, his laughter was so clear; As if, somebody was throwing crystals into a crystal dune.

A difference between me and my wife, led her walking out of our house along with my child. He passed through my life as a gush of cold breeze; nobody can hold on the wind. I asked her to let me see him but of no use. My wife renamed my child and disassociated him from me in every possible manner.

Later, I was granted visitation rights by the court. I met my child, but, I was a total stranger to him. He had his own world in which I didnt figure out anywhere. I was nobody to him; And experienced my nonexistence. I didnt exist in his existence; But vice a versa was not true. He existed in my life; As a distant dream.

Every star I saw made me feel how distant you are…….

I lost my child…………